I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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