Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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