based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
