I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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