i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
