just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
