have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Help me help you realize you are a moron
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
