i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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