Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
