you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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