boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
