i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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