I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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