non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
