So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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