alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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