Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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