somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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