shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
