She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
