based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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