I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
