It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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