U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
