I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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