I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
