i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
