I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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