Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Randomize
