It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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