sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
