You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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