no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
