Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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