My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
