dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
