I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
