can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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