my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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