lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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