She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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