I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
