I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
