Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
