saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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