I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
