I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Randomize
