All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
