and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
