Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
