while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
